Body Wash: Nivea, L'Oréal and Lacura

It has been a while, but we're back with more "manly" toiletries. In this case, three types of body wash, all identifying themselves as being for those with an X chromosome (or something).

In particular, we have three contenders today:

1. Nivea MEN (energy)
2. L'Oréal MEN EXPERT (Hydra Energetic)
3. Lacura FOR MEN (Captive)

But which is most manly? Let's find out!

Nivea MEN (energy)

Nivea MEN "energy" boasts that it is "an energizing shower gel especially made for men". The "energizing" bit seems to be based on a "formula" with a "masculine scent" (described by one reviewer on the Nivea website as smelling like "toilet cleaner") and that gives skin a "long-lasting fresh feeling" (which is somewhat at odds with another reviewer on the Nivea website, who said they had to "wash myself again using [an]other shampoo" to feel clean).

It is, basically, a slightly chemical smelling all-purpose shower gel. It does not provide any actual energy, though, so it isn't much use during a power cut. And while it will get you clean(ish), is it really that manly? The promise of "energy" suggests masculine dynamism, but ultimately thus is too understated to feel like a product "FOR MEN". Where's the overcompensation? Where's the laddy "banter"? Sorry, Nivea. You make a fine liquid soap that no-one could call "girly", but it lacks the excess testosterone required for this blog.

L'Oréal MEN EXPERT (Hydra Energetic)

Now we're talking. This hideous orange bottle has everything. Dumb buzzwords. Insultingly over-familiar copy. Pointless graphics. Terrible grammar (trying to comprehend the phrase "WAKE UP EFFECT CONCENTRATE" is a challenge for the ages). In fact, I'll reproduce some highlights from the back of the bottle here so you can enjoy the sheer "manliness" it exudes:

BUSY LIFESTYLE? COFFEE NOT ENOUGH TO KEEP YOU AWAKE? DISCOVER THE BOOSTING POWER OF HYDRA ENERGETIC SHOWER GEL WITH TAURINE... AN INSTANT SHOT OF ENERGY IN YOUR SHOWER. FEEL INSTANTLY FRESH & CLEAN NO MATTER HOW LATE YOUR NIGHT WAS.

Here, we have the same idea of being "energising" as the Nivea gel but taken to a new level. This shower gel isn't just energising, it can replace sleep itself! Notice, too, the subtle hint of adventure and promiscuity in "no matter how late your night was". Then there's the fact it is named after a monster from Greek mythology. And although the taurine is notionally there for its hydrating qualities, the fact it sounds sciencey and bullish is a definite bonus.

The scent, incidentally, is described as a "blooming" and "woody fresh" fragrance. But really it smells like brass polish, which is faintly disgusting even when used on brass, never mind your skin.

All in all, then, a fantastic example of how to make a shower gel "for men".

Lacura FOR MEN (Captive)  

Finally, we have Lacura FOR MEN's Captive. We'll get onto the name later, but let's first address the medium-sized cat in the room: this is a Lynx rip-off. More specifically, it is Aldi's own-brand rip-off of Lynx Africa body wash. It has a similar colour scheme and design. And it shares the trademark Lynx Africa smell of a boy's changing room in a high school after a sweaty PE session.

However, this only cost 45p. I'm not sure whether that impacts on its overall masculinity, but it does mean I was happy to shell out for the sake of writing about it on this blog.

Back to the name, though. Given the clear inspiration for the design and smell, I can see what they were thinking. The idea is that you will be "captivating" after using this shower gel, fighting the ladies off in waves as they try to claw at your sexy body. Just like a Lynx advert. The problem is that "Captivate" doesn't sound manly, dynamic, or dangerous enough. So they went for "Captive", apparently ignoring the slight "kidnapper" undertones this has.

The rest of the copy on the bottle is pretty much what you'd expect. It promises "ultimate in refreshing performance". It says that it is "spicy, fresh and mysterious". It even claims to represent "true masculinity". Although I think this last point is slightly undermined by the instructions for use, which suggest applying the gel with "a sponge or puff".

All in all, then, this is an admirable attempt at masculinity on a budget. But since it is not a bright orange, ungrammatical monstrosity, it only comes in second place today.

TODAY'S CHAMPION: L'Oréal MEN EXPERT (Hydra Energetic)